Bugs' Journal

On the 25th we had to put my childhood cat to sleep. I grieved.

My mom's cancer free. I'm in a weird mood due to binging a japanese story based game called Yuuyami Doori Tankentai which is influencing my tone.

A few days ago I went to a european mall type thing. Like, outdoor and cobblestoned, not really a mall but that's what it's called. People lived above the shops on the first floors, and there were a lot of dog walkers. I went late, or at least after sunset, since sun sets so early now. I went into a christmas market with lots of german candies and sweets, live music, and a bar with festive themed drinks. I got some rum chocolates, that ended up tasting like crap, and some lady bug shaped candies.

When I walked toward the bus area, an asian lady was in one of the bus building structures- just cloudy glass with benches inside and a roof. When I walked by, she didn't blink and her head turned as she watched me. She got on a different bus without saying a word. When my bus driver finished his break, it was just me and him. He didn't say anything, but gestured that I could head into the warm bus out of the cold while he ran to the bathroom. When he came back from the bathroom, he still didn't say anything. It was silent for at least ten minutes, just the blurry street lights and the automated chimes of the bus. An unwell man (religious ocd?) sat in front of me. He anointed himself with peppermint oil, once on his chest, then on his shoulders, then the top of his head. He had a long, long beard, down to his belly button, and hair just as long. He had a white mask and talked to himself, it wasn't quite praying but it said something about religion. A tall black man got on the bus with a friendly demeanor, telling the bus driver he was in the middle of downloading the new bus app, and could he please get on while he finished setting it up? The bus driver said yes. Religious ocd guy started mumbling about how long the new system had been up, even taking the time to flip through the many apps on his phone to get the exact date of the first announcement to add to his muttering. I was tired, and I couldn't use my phone as it was at 10% or lower. I started singing Christmas music until he went back to talking to himself about religion. The tall man did end up paying, and shortly after me and him both pulled frantically as we had almost missed the stop. We got to talking, he asked if I was working by the coast and I said I was just visiting a Christmas market. We talked about the merits of Holidays and Winter as we rushed to catch a transfer. We had different buses, but the same stop to wait at. Before I left, I gave him one of the ladybug chocolates. He seemed very touched, he said he wouldn't even eat it for how cute it was. He touched my arm was I was leaving, a friendly kinda nudge.

Before all that I had went to another mall area nearby. Nothing of note happened, but it was pretty and I ate a sandwich I didn't like.

A few days ago I bussed over to the library my partner stops at on their path home from work. They were so happy to see me, and we went together to the mall. We ate at red robin and I still don't like it there. The plates had grease on them, the tea was overbrewed, and the food is okay at best. But I was glad to be with someone I loved. We walked around after and found out a Toys R Us is opening. It felt surreal.

At the end of october my doctor found something weird in my results. I went to a specialist maybe two weeks ago who said it was probably a false positive and to check again in a year. My partner and I had went out to the coast together for this. They supported me good, even though nothing ended up happening. I think we ate at dennys earlier in the day, but the memories are already blurry. I think today is not a good day for my long term memory.

I interviewed for a cafe I really liked. I tried to be authentic as I did, even though i felt stupid. They really liked me as a person, but opted for someone with more experience. I'm sorta underselling how much they seemed to genuinely enjoy talking to me, but I don't think it matters too much since I didn't achieve a friendship or a job. I think i'm just nihilistic though, I am proud of myself for giving people I respect a positive opinion of me. And at least I can almost believe I don't have to never go to my favorite cafe again, just because I dared want something.

I heard a true crime case that's worthy of note. TW for true crime. It's in nick crowley's internet's darkest corners series, episode 7. A man kills his wife of 12 years. He's on the phone with 911, saying they had a bad night, and he shot her right in the head, and stuffed her in their garage freezer two days ago. But today, he went out to move the body, and she was alive. She blinked, one for yes two for no, and he covered her in blankets and poured water in her mouth. He was fleeing the scene, but had promised her he would call the police to get her help. When police came, she was just where he said. In the basement, in the freezer, crammed in and with a blanket. But he was wrong. She was dead. Her brain was damaged, and he had cut off her leg and broken her wrists to stuff her in the freezer. There was no way she had ever been alive for him to see blinking.

Obviously the dude was found to be on drugs. But that's not really a compelling story. It's got so many markers of an internet folklore scary story, like the girl and her boyfriend who are stalked by a man with a hook hand, or the college girl who wakes up to find 'aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?' written in blood after she stumbled to bed in the dark. The guilt or the ghost asking for help even after death is much more compelling. It's interesting to find a true story that's the right kind of fucked that you can see it mutate into a tall tale. Horrible, also. He wasn't sentenced, by the way. He died before cops caught him.

We didn't do much for thanksgiving. My love stuffed carrots and celery into a chicken. We got a bunch of pies from the worlds most incompetent delivery guy. J's dad had us buy boba and tamales. They were pretty good. I made a bunch of deviled eggs based off the ones me and my love had in the downtown, that had sweet pickled jalapeno's on them and chives. I don't remember when that was. It was cold and my love had an irish coffee alcohol thing they couldn't even stand to drink, straight up pouring water in it. I love them.

We didn't like, know my mom had cancer. She was being scanned for something in her upper back, and they saw a teeensy shadow. They were like, it's nbd but i guess it could be Rare Cancer. But it's probably just a mucus pocket. So she pushed and was like, hey please check me for this rare thing, I have a tendency for them*.

*Iirc, my mom's had chicken pox twice, lyme disease, and a myriad of other uncommon ailments.

They were like nah don't worry. But she kept pressing over email and stuff.

Okay, they said, we'll do surgery on that snot pocket faster than we need to.

So they go into surgery, and try to suck that pocket out. Bad news, and let it be noted this is my layman's understanding. That's uh, her brain juice. So she starts rupturing cerebral fluid, and a very stressed Not brain surgeon makes a graft out of the side of her nose while a brain surgeon tells them what to do.

Hey sorry to that chick btw, I imagine my mom bursting brain on you was not exactly your favorite day at work. Thanks for making sure she didn't die.

After that they send in what they sucked out for tests. Yep, rare cancer. Her cells that made bones in the womb, decided hey let's make more bones. Right here in the brain stem area. And then the new bones basically vaporized the old bone that separates nasal cavities from brain.

That's the facts told in a fun way. My therapist says I need to start focusing on my own emotions instead of the traumas of others. That sucks shit.

Uh, I don't like that my mom has cancer? Duh. It's kind of worse that it's rare, and I can't just model a movie on how to handle cancer. She'll probably have a normal lifespan, but if it hadn't been caught fast she would be dead. Also, having a bone forming right by her brain might explain some situations from a few years ago. She's doing lasers to get rid of the cancer. Damn i'm talking about her again instead of my feelings.

I've been on break from work too- not for my mom's cancer, I didn't want those gossips to know that. But for normal summer break. My mom used the word cancer for the first time on april 21st. I guess four months to process that isn't that bad. It felt fast. I was very stressed and cried a few times, which for me is a lot. It's kind of wretched that something so earth shatteringly big can happen and I still have other things to talk about in this entry.

I made a perfume, it's lavender latte scented. Coffee bean, lavender, and cardamon essential oils. I'm going to reorganize my partner and i's craft supplies today.

Earlier this month I visited my mom in texas, which ought to be it's own post but meh. I stayed at a hotel for the last few days, which felt good and empowering because I hate my mom and nana's house. I took my littlest sister out to Daiso and bought her enough drinks that she asked for me to explicitly NOT buy her another boba. I had a lot of braum's. I was sitting in a braum's when that big storm went past- It went from cloudy but calm to basically dumping buckets instantly. I was at the counter ordering and the cashier asked for here or to go, and then was like well probably for here huh. And it was barely sprinkling just as I entered, so i was like yeah that makes sense. I turn around to sit down after that and it's absolutely pouring.



A good bit of people died, not near me but about five hours away. In two hours the guadalupe river flooded and killed 130 people, plus. It was all that was on the news in my hotel. Especially those girls in Camp Mystic. It's 20 days later right now and there's still two bodies missing. I like to include a bit of 'historical' info in my entries so that later I can scale the fact the world turns while we have other stuff going on.

Well, I doubt anyone reads this right now in 2025, but if you do, hello and goodbye

I'm happy again now :P

Christmas! I did nothin :) it rocked. My love and I drank cocoa and did puzzles, I got the game Project Highrise and I really like it. Right now zey're gluing another puzzle I got them.

Zey started therapy! Win. And the office is right by this area with so many thrift stores, so that's our Saturdays.

Toby fox released a song called "carpet" remixing the persona song. And Jimmy carter died.
Mostly I think it's funny to combine multiple genres of current event updates. Isn't it so insane how everything happens all of the time? Concurrently?

I got my paycheck from the job. 900 buckaroos, yippee! Granted, I'm pretty sure 600 of that minimum is going to go to uber cash when I do the math, but I haven't done the math yet so i'm riiiiiich.

I made little foam fish on a piece of ribbon to be a walking rope for my students. We had a 'winter wonderland' day, it was CRAZY. There was snow?? And kids throwing the snow (which had melted and become ice, because it was 80f) as hard as they could. One kid did bleed, and one of my coworkers saw a little girl throwing up in a trash can all alone. They uh...Really are different in public school. I'd like to say it was fun, but it mostly felt like bringing a bunch of kindergartners to an anime convention with no anime. The older kids weren't required to be with an adult, so they were running all over. Absolute shit-show, but I'm not going to risk by job by saying shit to the upper management, and everyone below them seems to agree this shit sucks. Second year of it, so it's probably growing pains. What the hell though?

Anyway, today we're going to shop at Walmart, mourn the death of price match guarantee and look at laundry baskets.

Jesus fucking christ.

Right now, it looks like trump won both the electoral college and the popular vote. I spent election night calming down suicidal teenagers, same as I did last time he won. I feel so bad that my younger siblings and younger generations in general have to experience this same exact shit. To scale it, when he was elected the first time, I was in sophomore year, and the kids currently in sophomore were in 3rd. The babies are now exactly where I was, and that's wretched.

There's a lot of talk about interference, but even if he cheated it's pretty much over. Democrats just don't make as big a fuss when they're wronged as republicans do. I don't think any organized election interference took place, but i do think a lot of single people attempted to cheat the election in trumps favor. Like the Pennsylvania ballot challenges and the Vancouver ballot box explosion.

I also.. I hesitantly believe the election is accurate. I want to say, 'do so few people care to vote? Are so many so fascist or so checked out to vote for trump?'. I want to be disbelieving and shocked. But I'm not. A lot of people felt, 'oh now that trump has been president once, they will understand how he really is!'. But they understood in 2016, it wasn't secret.

A lot of people are saying it's because Kamala Harris is a black woman. I think that's the closest to the truth. A lot of people are also saying it's her short period of being the runner instead of Biden. The fact 'did biden drop out?' trended on google really shows that, yeah. The short candidacy probably mattered. But that just emphasizes how checked out people are.

I don't know what to feel. Maybe I'll write another entry about feelings alone. If anyone in history cares, california also voted to keep slavery in the constitution (prop 6, it's about slavery for prisoners).

Job update: Despite doing everything short of visiting in person*, I never got any more information or a formal firing.
*I stand by the principle that showing up to a place with young children with anger in you is not a great call. I don't want to make anyone feel unsafe, even if it's unfounded.

I'm sad! Obviously. Anyway. I went to the Muzeo Museum, despite being a bit out of the way it was fun. I got in for $1 for having a snap card, and there was a display about Victorian mourning, general Anaheim history, edward mobley toys, and an art display that wasn't very compelling. It was fun to go to, I sent photos of the edward mobley toys to my nana and she went through saying she had this or that one, and her sisters had these, etc.

I also briefly went to a friday the 13th event, but my Fear Of Missing Out was unfounded, it was empty and boring. I've been sketching with charcoal, and reading re7 fics. Life is sometimes made up of little boring moments, but at least this breather lets me read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

Review, in brief: I think Gibson is too attached to moralizing the internalizing vs externalizing reactions to trauma and pain. Just because someone harms themselves instead of others doesn't make them morally better, or more understandable by society, or any of that. Externalizers shouldn't be ignored in the way the book does, or assumed to be hurtful to others. In short I don't think that idea was developed in a bias-reducing way and as a result the narrative excludes the wide variety of ways pain can express. Otherwise a good book, with fair-enough stories and helpful tips for working around emotional immaturity. I would recommend it.

Whew! Time flies when the endless press of adulthood is turning you into a panini.

I got a job- Kindergarten tutor. It seems..honestly somewhere between being a kindergarten teacher and being a daycare attendant. Small company, too- everyone seems nice, but there's a bit of a frantic disorganization for the office staff (two whole people) that means some of the 'teachers' (maybe 20-30 including subs) are...not really keeping the standards I personally think are important. The first grade teacher especially is rubbing me the wrong way- he's a very tall guy, so I understand why he lets my kiddos jump on him. But jumping all over your teacher like they're your uncle or cousin is super not acceptable in my book. I understand culture is a huuuuge factor in that, but I also know professional standards is another culture set (and yes it's predominately influenced by western upper class social standards blah blah blah blah blaaaah). No matter what the exact best call is, I'm mostly ignoring it and making that sort of touch not okay in my classroom.

I also feel like I should ban pda a little but...they're so cute. One of the first graders is the older sister of one of my kinders, and when the classes combine for playtime she hugs him tight and kisses his cheeks. And like, I get it. If my little sisters were around I would also being attacking them. So it's hard for me to enforce a rule on the types of affection allowed- obviously hugs are fine, I just feel like face smushing and kissing are too far, but also...I don't care personally.

I feel a bit sad because one of my favorite kiddos is summer only. The company gave me a week off for some reason, on what would have been my third week of work. So instead of saying goodbye like I wanted, I ended up not seeing my class again. On monday i'll see my new class, which of course will include some old faces, but I know she's not coming. She's cute, confident and smart, but has anxiety. She feels safe asking for hugs- all the kids feel so safe. I'm so happy for them.

Anyway, I'm also VERY happy to FINALLY get income. Oh my god, I fucking hate job searching, may I stay employed for at least a year and a half. I know this will reduce the financial burden on my love as well, and let me finally sit in a cafe to do my work like I love doing so much.

We got a bunch of wicker baskets and a rolling organizer, as well as another-another-another earring holder. We keep upgrading earring holders to fit them but it seems like we always have too many earrings. Skill issue, clearly. We're also going to go to R*s*o (censored because it's NOT a chain), a big asian mart. And I'll get more of the soft banana custard breads I like so much! They have a monkey on them :)

All and all I'm doing pretty good- I'm so lucky to get to be here with my partner who I love. Stuff continues foreshadowing with my mom and nana, but as long as I'm out here I only need to get involved if it escalates. Maybe I'll regret this hands off approach later, but frankly I cannot help until I get a more stable friend/social group. I just need to have enough friends that I can take care of my emotional support needs in a way that doesn't overburden anyone. Which will be SO much easier now that I can afford the $7 fee that going out for coffee invokes.

Oh also, I got a McChicken add pickle and it was like $2.75. That used to be $1.09 a few years ago.

I'm talkative today! I also saw my partners- zir name is Jason I just don't expect that to be known- Jason's scrapbook for the first time in a while. It's full of paper and diary pages and airline tickets. It's such a testiment to who they are that I'm getting irrationally scared that we're going to lose it in a fire or a flood or a robbery or a random strike of lightening or fairies. Possibly I need to get my anxiety med dosage upped.

Also I went to red robin for the first time. I didn't know they actually played the 'red robin' sound and people in real, actual life, would say 'yum'. It was scary. Also I got food poisoning and the food selection was uninspired so I shan't be returning.

Bye!

Interesting times, ugh!

Trump got his ear shot. There's a lot of talk about if it was a set-up, if it's just a PR stunt. I think it's more likely that Thomas M4tthew Cr00ks just...wanted to shoot him. I don't think trump staged it. I think maybe the Sec.et service did a piss-poor job protecting a nominee, maybe due to simply disliking him, but that's not a conspiracy that's just human bias.

Also we got news today that Biden has covid. There's theories about THAT being staged to hide his ailing health, which I put a bit more stock in, but honestly he probably just does have covid. I suspect he has long covid, in fact...A lot of issues people are saying are dementia seems a lot like long covid to me.

It doesn't really matter though. The candidates this election are in such ill health that we're really voting for vice pres. Most of the drama is people realizing stuff that I knew months ago, far too late to really change anything. I don't blame them, it's hard to focus on politics when so much is going on.

Anyway, mandatory historical documenting over. I'm still doing PT, but I've been skipping it because I feel sad. Family issues, I'm so glad to live with my partner and not have to step up 24/7. I haven't done code in a while, but I've been making images to upload later. I got my partner icecream, yogurt, and Tylenol for their ailments. My meds person told me to take melatonin to sleep, despite the fact that tots interacts with my meds and imo is not worth the risk. I guess I might go to therapy again? It's kind of a situation where I don't need therapy as much as I need steady employment, but of course it's way easier to find people to take your money than give you some...

Womp Womp.

In better news I'm working on transferring my poems to my partners (much better) computer. Maybe I'll see about submitting them to some journal for some cash- they aren't super amazing, but I think that with editing they would be at least Target book aisle quality. I love them, but love and marketability are not always super compatible. It would be nice to speak and have it resonate with people. Oh, and I'm chatting around on Lex again, which is nice. Cute girls flirting with me is always a plus.

Medical stuff! ugh! I've been busy with that sort of thing. Otherwise just been coding my heart out. I did start a blinkie community on tumblr- that's just rolled out, and i'm a bit excited about it. Anyway I don't have much to say so it's ask game time

When was the last time you said “I love you” to someone other than your partner?
About two hours ago when I called my little brother. I try to say it a lot to people I love.
Have you ever done something competitively?
Everything I do is competitively. Unless I lose.
Did you enjoy school?
Yeah, I did. I like the atmosphere, and even though I had trouble with teachers I never had any lasting trouble with schoolwork. I got along good with people and had fun learning the gossip.
What advice do you have for young couples?
Communication is the key, but without respect and compatibility it isn't gonna work. Sometimes loving someone as a person means letting them go as a partner. Relationships don't have to be forever to have value.

Also have kinkier sex before your back hurts.

I did manage to get the kitten to a rescue! It took a few days and a lot of networking, but she should be fine now. I'm still deciding quite how I feel about the person I gave her too... she seems like she bit off more than she could chew, if nothing else, with starting a rescue (recently, just in January of this year). If she does anything weird I'll pass word along to the many cat rescue people in the area I now have the contact info for.

Also I have covid! Not that bad this time. Once again Jason brought it home. Luckily I have the updated booster so this is...like, a very mild cold. My throat is sore and I have the slightest drainage and a cough, and i'm SUPER tired, but compared to the other times I think I have had covid...well, I am not going to break any ribs this time!

I don't think anyone reads these right now, but if you do read this and it's within a year of posting- PLEASE. Have an updated covid booster. Please mask if you think you may be sick, or if you're going to be somewhere crowded like a school hallway or public transit. Please stay home if you have covid or have been exposed to covid. Also get paxlovid- It helps a lot, and if you know the taste side effect, do it anyway.

No ask game this week, it's fun but i'm sooooo tired.